Today I’d like to share an experience I had yesterday.
I will try to summarize it so its not too long but hopefully someone can relate. Actually I hope no one relates because its a horrible experience.
I had a phone call with someone close to my partner. The conversation I heard was much different than what he heard. I heard something and got defensive while he heard something completely different.
I finally questioned myself. Why am I so defensive?
I asked my partner what he heard and compared notes. The feeling sank in of what actually happened during the conversation.
Yesterday I cried. I cried because I realized something. It’s like a switch was turned on.. How long will it stay on? I have no idea. I hope i can continue turning.
You might be wondering.. What clicked? how? when? where?
Me too!! I’ve come to realize how defensive I get whenever something happens that I just wage battles in my mind. I get extra defensive if the person has done something previously that stuck with me. The phone call was with someone who did exactly that. I tell myself I’ve moved on from the incident but what is moving on if I don’t know what actually is going on? That makes no sense but it makes so much sense to me.
I’ll try to explain some more…
If I get defensive and I wage wars within myself; did the incident happen as I thought it happened? probably not because clearly when I seek help and I ask I am reminded to look at the facts of what happened. Look at actual facts rather than what I think happened.
I’m still trying to understand the logic behind it. More interesting I am trying to figure out what happened to me to lead me to such thoughts and ideas.
I wrote this on Tuesday before the call and I find its some clarity I needed.
“Imagine a heckler in an audience telling you every move you make you suck.
I have that voice in my head. I listen to it.
You know what else that voice does? It gives me false ideas. False fears.
I get scared biking with my kids. What if they go on the road and get run over?
What if they fall and get a concussion. What do I do then?
There are fears I just cannot solve.”
I am logging off now and going to focus on my day! It’ll be a great day! Even though its gloomy
